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To Mr. Jack Van Impe Ministries International
Leonardo Maggiorno |
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Rev. Jack Van Impe |
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Leonardo Maggiorno |
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Rev. Jack Van Impe |
Dear Reverend Van Impe,
Thank you for sending me the books, I read about half of Randal Baers's book "Inside the New Age". I think that Mr. Baer's brain is boiled. Drugs, such as LSD, may have lasting effects on the brain and cause subtle damage. Anybody who has heard Timothy Leary will agree with me.
Mr. Baer actually believes (he says) that he had out-of-body experiences and was affected by stupid quartz crystals. "An internationally recognized expert in crystal power" - My Foot! Quartz crystals have many uses: They are pretty in many natural forms with colorful impurities; They can be made into quartz resonators for clocks and watches; They can be used for ultraviolet windows. Quartz is the chief ingredient in sand and is used for making glass. If quartz had such effects on people, we would all be floating around - bodiless.
In any case such a subjective experience is not credible. I could say I dreamt of anything in my imagination and call it evidence. I picked up a bible tract last week, published by the Pilgrim Tract Society in which somebody in 1890 had a dream and saw a Hell that was in most respects the same as in the Greek Mythology - complete with the river Stix and the Devil looking like a Greek Satyr. Do you believe in the Greek Mythology as truth?
Picking on New Age Religion is a smoke screen for the real problems with Christianity. Why pick on such a paper tiger? You know that it is dreck from idiots with blown brains! It is symptomatic of your WEAK position versus Science and the Ranch Rosconians.
Starting with Genesis your religion conflicts with the known facts about the universe. According to Genesis, the Earth is a flat topped mountain rising out of a primordial sea. The Sun, Moon and stars are attached to a hard dome called the firmament. Rain is caused by valves in the firmament that open at God's command. There is no outer space. Stars are just points of light attached to the dome. God has a throne just on the other side of the dome. "Our Father who art in Heaven"
The Christian biblical stupidity hits its climax with the book of revaluation. One that Rev. Impe takes so seriously:
"The stars of heaven fell to the earth" -- Don't you know that the closest star is 20 trillion miles away? (actually since the Sun is a star -- 93 million miles).
"heaven departed as a scroll" This is an indication that the writer of revelation thought of the sky as a thin dome, able to be ripped away. Do you believe that heaven is a thin dome? That the moon is attached to the dome? That there is a difference between "Heavenly Bodies" and the Earth? Did the Voyager spacecraft hit this dome? How about the Apollo astronauts?
After considering the options, I have converted to the religion of the Lord Roscoe and I am now taking a course in the Ishkibibble, The Hoogly Book of Roconianism. The leader of the Ranch Rosconians, Big Daddy Moises Balumba Oomba of Pumpatua, has given me a new name to go with my new religion and that is Ha Blivilah which means "The True Believer" in the Hoogly Tongue. The course is given in a room filled with spinning prayer wheels. Devices made from nearly pure silicon crystals commune with the prayer wheels and shoot electrons at a screen made from Zinc Sulfide crystals. A coil of very pure copper wire is placed in proximity to sintered ceramic ferric oxides and the sound of beings, not present is heard and visions are seen. And yet, there are no evil demons or angels involved. The whole apparatus is shaped like a hexa-hedron. You enter the room by rotating a paralelapiped on its hinges.
First of all, I wouldn't have you believe that was easy to accept The Lord Roscoe as my Personal Saviour. It was not for lack of evidence for such a true belief. The whole of the Hoogly Scriptures give evidence that the things that are believed by Rosconians are True Truth, and the testimonies of the Prophets and the other Old Pegunkins are ample and believable. It was not an easy decision for me to make because I was afraid that all my friends would make fun of me and my family would throw me out into the gutter. However, my friends knew nothing about True Truth.
I was told by my friends that It was a Silly Religion and when itinerant Internet Prophets would come to my door with Rosconian Litter and the book of TCP/IP, carrying their little Hamster Cages and Newton Message Pads with them, I would laugh so hard that I found it hard to breath. Just the mere mention of the Lord Roscoe or the sight of an Armadillo would cause me to go into pyroxisms of exhausting laughter..
Yet there was something in these itinerant Prophet's simple zeal and pure earnestness that disturbed me.I was still left with a restless yearning for the True Gods who created all and cared about me and my problems.
Rosconians told me that the Lord Roscoe was the true pet of the Great God Mota and he was sent three times to be an expiation of SIN so ALL could see, and that belief in Roscoe was Refreshingly Mild, but Satisfying. And the Rosconian religion has more Gods than other religions. For instance, did you know that the Great God Mota made the universe with his Big Bang machine. All other religions do not agree with scientific observation and are therefore suspect, but Rosconians fully incorporate the latest theories of Physics into their teachings as well as some really peculiar Bubi-Miesah. They also believe that the Hoogly scripture should be kept on a computer data-base for instant revision if new revelations come down from Poopy Panda, the squeaky voice of the God head.
So after careful consideration and a really significant vision in which the Lord Roscoe came to me dressed in his finest fur coat (I'll tell you about that later), I became a convert and a Pegunkin.
Oh, how joyous for me to know that I will go to the Second Kingdom up in Heaven, when I die, carried up by the herd of lovable and cute Hamsters.
Won't you take a moment to pray and ask the Lord Roscoe to come into Your Life and be your Personal Saviour.
Sincerely:
Leonardo Maggiorno