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The Hamster Kizim
What's So important about Doctrine? Is is as important as August 15th, Lex Luthor, Calvin and Hobbes, ARM Processors, and Addison-Wesley Publishing Co.? Many are concluding that Rosconians no longer have the luxury of aguing over differences in Doctrine. They feels that there should be an Orthodox and Doctrinare version of Rosconiasm to insure that the True Believers get to the Second Kingdom up in Heaven. It is our prayer that this here work of Herb Vander Pander, senior reseach editior of the Hoogly Proganda Journal, will inpire or expire you to the True Doctrine.
This guide to the ISHKIBIBBLE is written to EXPLAIN the religion of the LORD ROSCOE, the GREAT GOD MOTA and his Mother Elucelom and his Grandmother Nortcele, and Poppy Panda and the spirit of ASHLOZMO, and the Little Lord Joozis.
"Oh," you say, " This religion is not legitimate and is silly". That is correct. This is an Illegitimate RELIGION, but so are all the others, and because this is our book and not theirs, we can say that all the other religions are GOBOLTY GOOK. Read the Ishkibibble for examples! Rosconians are eclectic. Rosconians are nice, even though they are superior.
The Ishkibibble is never quite finished, and at the end of the book there is an address in which additional chapters may be submitted to be added to the book. Of course the Elder Peginkins of the Rosconian Order will, as in their role as TRUE PROPHETS of MOTA, have the freedom to change names and places to fit into the GREAT WORK. There is is the Hoogly Intention of making FUN of all other religions.
THE DOCTRINE OF THE GODS
1.Q. Who are the Gods
A. These are the GODS:
We know that there is more than One God because all of these Gods are mentioned in the Ishkibibble which always True and even if it isn't, who cares!
- THE GREAT GOD MOTA
- Poopy Panda and LORD ROSCOE
- The spirit of ASHLOZMO
- The Little Lord Joozis
2. Q. Who is the chief God?
A. The chief GOD is MOTA, who made the universe with his BIG BANG MACHINE when he was bored. Of course he needed the help and encouragement of the his Mother Elucelom as well as some of the recipes of his Grand Mother Nortcele. We know that the Big Bang is the cause of the Universe, therefore we know that the Great God Mota is the Creator.
3. Q. Who is the Lord Roscoe?
A. The LORD ROSCOE who sits at the right hand of MOTA is the Pet Hamster of the Great God Mota, who was sent 3 times to be an expiation of SIN so all could SEE. Lord Roscoe is the patron of Financial Blessins as our witnesses will testify to.
4. Q. Who is Poopy Panda?
A. POOPY PANDA is the chief spokes person for MOTA and is his STUFFED TOY. Poopy Panda is the patron to all Stuffed Animals, and has blessed Stuffed Cabbage, Veal Cordon Blue etc.
5. Q. What is ASHLOZMO?
A. The spirit of ASHLOZMO was created after the Big Bang cooled to hold things together. All inspiration and perspiration is of ASHLOZMO. ASHLOZMO is the patron of all casseroles an other foods that resemble the structure of space and virtual particles.
6. Q. Who is The Little Lord Joozis?
A. THE LITTLE LORD JOOZIS is the personal icon of all those that say Jeez. For they are intoning the first word of "Jeez fer Joozis", which is the society, made of Rosconians in Training that go out into the world to collect money for ROSCOE and to help Mota fill the Quota! For Joozis was found in a little boat on the Wash-Ka-Happy River, filled with Papishkies and investment instruments.
THE DOCTRINE OF THE HOOGLY HAMSTER
1.Q. What does the Lord Roscoe Do?
A. The Lord Roscoe is the God-Hamster who appeared on our Planet to reveal the Goodness and Cuteness of Himself. Because the Lord Roscoe is our Personal Saviour he deserves a Clean Cage, plenty of Hamster Kibbles, and a Prayer Wheel. We should also love him and give him deep affection and make movies of him.
2. Q. How do the Fables of the Old man and His Hamster affirm our relationship to the Lord Roscoe?
A. These fables show us that every rightious person should have true devotion to his Hamster, who may or may not be a true incantation of the Lord Roscoe. After all the Prophets kept the Lord Roscoe has their pet Hamster before realizing the He was the True Lord Roscoe. At the same time the Fables and Ishkibibblishky stories of the Lord Roscoe reveal that He was a True Hamster --He Ate, He deficated, He Peed, He slept, He mated and made nests,and He bit the Thumb of the Reverend Hablivilah (The True Stigmata of Roscoe) while fighting another Rodent.
3. Q. How does the Ishkibibble show that Roscoe is not only a Hamster but also a God?
A. The Ishkibibble clearly shows in graphicly explicit language that the Lord Roscoe is our Personal Saviour, That belief in Him is Mild, but refreshing, and that believers upon the Lord Roscoe shall in no wise be cast out! Also the Ishkibibblishky scriptures make the clear claim that believers in Roscoe get 2 times more Redemption than any other Saviour. Twice the Redemption for your Religious investment!
4. Q. How important is Roscoe's twice or more redemption?
A. Since there are 3 confirmed appearences of Roscoe in the hands of the Prophets and several more unconfirmed appearences in the forms of Gerbils and other Rodents and even an appearence in the form of a Rabbit. This makes belief in Roscoe to especially cogent in these end times.
5. Q Where is Roscoe now and what is he doing?
A. Roscoe ascended to the Second Kingdom up in Heaven with the herd of Heavenly Hamsters. He has taken a place at the right hand of Mota. He will be sent by Mota several times more so that additional chapters of the Ishkibibble should be written. Then at Last Day, He will come with the herd of Hoogly Hamsters to take all the believers to the SECON KINDOM up in Heaven. Be sure to get YOUR TICKET!
THE DOCTRINE OF POOPY PANDA
1. Q. What does Poopy Panda Do?
A. Poopy Panda is the official voice of the Great God Mota and the Lord Roscoe. His is the voice that dictates Hoogly Scripture and Poopy Panda is the ONE that sends Faxes and E-mail to the Prophets. Angels long being superceeded by electronic communications. (Have you gotten YOUR FAX from Poopy Panda?)
2. Q. What are Poopy Panda Dolls?
A. Poopy Panda Dolls are electronic communication devices in the form of a suffed Poopy Panda that are attuned to the Central Processor of Mota at the Temple of Mota at the banks of the Wash-Ka-Happy Rivers. Every Pegunlian Child should have one of these neat toys or at least have one on Order. This way we know that you child is Saved
THE DOCTRINE OF CHLORINATED WATER
1. Q. What is is the significance of chlorinated water?
A. The Little Lord Joozis and the Prophets Mishugina and the Reverend Hablivilah received Hoogly blessing from Mota and a significant remuneration while exercising in the pure chlorinated waters of Swimming Pools. Remember! There are no nasty stinking little germs who are the emissaries of SNERD in that chlorinated water!
2. Q. Why do Pegunkins Immerse in Swimming Pools?
A. Simple immersion is not enough! A true Pegunkin must do Laps!
Remember - No Pain -- No Gain!
3. Q. What are the best laps?
A. The best laps are Butterfly Laps. As it is said - "And the Little Lord Joozis did many laps of Butterfly in that there pool that very day!"
THE DOCTRINE OF THE HOOGLY SPRIT OF ASHLOZMO
1. Q. What is the Hoogly Sprit?
A. The Hoogly Sprit is ASHLOZMO (which is ALWAYS CAPITALIZED). Sometimes ASHLOZMO is identified with the SHECKY, which is the essence of stand up comedians.
2. Q. Do I have to do anything special to connect with ASHLOZMO?
A. Yes. Taking a shower each day will infuse you with Yelm and reduce the foul essence that prevents connection with ASHLOZMO. Better yet - do a few laps in the Pure Waters of Chlorinated Swimming Polls.
3. Q what is the ASHLOZMOs relationship to Pegunkins, the body of true beleivers in the Lord Roscoe.
A. The sprit of ASHLOZMO gives a certain je ne sais croix and savoir faire to Pegunkins.
The HOOGLY SYMBOLS
The symbols used by Rosconians in their religious observance;
The Hamster: This is an animal sacred unto MOTA for it was in the image of ROSCOE that all Hamsters were made.
The Box Turtle: This is the animal that is the symbol of Peddidle the greatest prophet of The Lord Roscoe and the Great God MOTA.
The Poopsy: This is the droppings of the Lord Roscoe. They are to be treasured for during High Hoogly Mess, they are dropped into the vat of Boiling Borscht, symbolizing the Big Bang of MOTA and to take away the sins of the Pegunkins.
The Green Pee. This is symbolic of the Pee of the Lord Roscoe, especially when He was in the pockets of the prophets. At Hoogly meetings Lemonade is served, which is symbolic. Also any soda is OK.
The Thirty Seven Purple Ropes. This is symbolic of the protection that Poopy Panda gave to Mudka during the Horrible Cane. This is also symbolic of the connection between the Old Man and his Hamster found in the Fables of Roscoe.
The Statue of Roscoe on the Dashboard. "I don't care if it rains or freezes if I've got my plastic Roscoe riding on the dashboard of the car."
Here is some definitions of some words often used:
SIN Transgression of a God given law (i.e. Mota, Poopy Panda, Roscoe or any of the Prophets, or anything else you think of and submit to revue). In the religion of the LORD ROSCOE sins are forgiven by true prayer to one or more of the GODs, or by submission of a true confession to the ELDERS accompanied by a sum of MONEY (US dollars or Papishkies). An INDULGENCE is sent to the supplicant, which can be resold for a profit.
SOUL That part of a man which is transcendent or spirit or just plain emotional. Living beings have breath . Dead beings don't breathe. Therefore the essence of life escapes like a breath upon death. The soul is worth something and what ever it is worth after a person accepts The Lord ROSCOE as Personal Savior is two times more than any other religion, because Roscoe has died not ONCE, but THREE TIMES, for our sins.
HEAVEN Heaven is divided into two parts. The first kingdom up in heaven is located on the Far side of the Moon in underground castles. This is where the true believers of all the other religions are sent. It is kept by the Evil Snerd and by his henchman Snidely Whiplash. The souls are packed tightly in plastic vials and cooled to 3 degrees Kelvin. The other heaven is the SECON KINDOM up in heaven, which is just beyond the event horizon and can only be reached by the Heavenly Herd of Hamsters, which carry the souls of True Believers. Souls sent there frolic all day with their Hamsters and are very happy.
Who are We?
Silly! Take out your wallet and look at you Social Security Number. That is YOU!
- Where did we come from?
- Your Mother's Belly
- Where are we going?
- To Gramma's House
- Is There a God?
- Where do we go after death?
- To Gramma's House
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