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Please fill out the Voucher at the end of this tract and have it signed by your Jew. You will then be entered in our fantastic free drawing and will possibly win valuable prizes according to your works of conversion.
God has laid this foolproof Ten Point Plan to Convert Jews on my heart based on my years of experience being a Jew Converter. Follow this plan and YOU will be eligible for great prizes at our JEW DRAWING!
Let the information on this web page be your guide to converting those pesky ingrate Jews and turning them into good little messianics that you can parade in front of your church. Remember; there are points given for your works of conversion on our web page will help you win those points!
2. Never say Jew when addressing a Jewish person. Always say Kike or Hymie. Jews love these Yiddish sayings.
3. Never say Jesus Christ, but say Yeshua HaMashiach. This impresses Jewish people by your knowledge of Hebrew. After all, you may know as much Hebrew as they do!
4. Make it clear that "Gentile" and "Christian" are not the same. After all the Christians who pushed Jews into the gas chambers were not gentle.
5. Explain that not everybody that goes to church is really a Christian. Most of these people just want to show off their Sunday Clothes and listen to the preacher tell them that they really aren't Christians..
6. When you talk about other Christians (Goyim) call them "Shicksah" (for Woman) and "Shagitz" (for Man).
7. Explain that true Christians, such as yourself, do not kill Jews, but love to kidnap them and brainwash them.
8. Pick on a poor lonely Jews, or waylay confused teenagers. Refrain from too much talk concerning Spiritual Matters. Every third sentence should be enough.
9. Jews are agents of the devil (even if they are not aware of it themselves). Look for evidence of the devil such as horns, pointed tails, sharp noses, or basic intelligence. You must clearly demonstrate that you have none of these.
10. After you have become frendly to your Jew. You must feed them some pork or shell fish. This will make them into Sinners. Explain to them that they must be washed in the BLOOD of the Lamb to absolve them of this Sin. Most Jews would rather use Soap.
I will describe some things about Jews so you won't sound stupid when talking with them
THE TORAH The Jewish Bible is called the TORAH. Why, nobody really knows, but it is tradition. Jews have a tradition of reading the TORAH BACKWARDS! This shows how confused they are. The TORAH is not written in Jewish, but in an ancient language called Hebrew. Do you know that in Hebrew, Who is He, He is She, Me is Who, and Dag is fish? This sounds like Abbot and Costello, who were Catholic. The Jews have always been progressive and with it. Do you know that all prayers end in "Amen" which means "Right ON".
PASSOVER When the Jewish people escaped from Egypt, they had no time to bake bread so they made Matzah instead. This is very crummy stuff. Never Eat Matzah over your Jewish friend's good furniture. The Holiday is called Passover, but it really should be called Passunder for two reasons. First, everybody drinks four cups of wine which makes them very happy and they lean back alot, not to mentions everybody spills ten drops. Second they send all the children looking thoughout the house for a piece of Motzah. These children pass over and under everything. Speaking about children, the youngest child askes four questions which are answered by the daddy with the five answers. Every Jewish family has four children, The Wise Guy, The Bad Guy, The Silly Guy, and the Dumb Guy. This is very strange because at the end of the passover they all sing "An Only Kid".
Hannukah This holday is the Jewish Christmas. Jewish families do not have Christmas lights, but have a bunch of candles that are made in Israel. All Jewish families have Hannukah Bushes and sing Hannukah Carols, but they sing them to a strange four sided top called a driedle. Jewish families give presents for 8 days instead of 1 day. The favorite Food is a peculiar type of potato pancake called a Latke. Nobody can eat just one and nobody can get up from the table after eating two.
YOM KIPPUR Jewish families send their kids to day camp in the summer. Usually these camps are called "Camp YOM YOM" because they serve Knishes and Rugalah every day. When summer is over the kids have to go back to School. Then the parents cellebrate YOM KIPPUR which is the end of camp YOM YOM. Nobody eats beacuse they are so full of apples and honey from RUSH HA SHONAH when they Blow the SHOFAR. The object of this holiday is to see who can blow the SHOFAR the LONGEST.
SHABBAT The Jews were given the Sabbath which is on Saturday. Christians, because they came late celebrate it on Sunday. To make sure they don't miss it Jews start celbrating holidays in the eveneng before each holiday. Every Friday night is called Shabbat (notice how the h has moved from the end of the word to the second letter) which is celebrated by dancing with witches. Which is why they are called witches Sabbaths. The celebration ends with an ONEG which is an orgy of Knishes and Rugalah.
OTHER HOLIDAYS The Jews have a lot of other holidays, but they are never celebrated. These are:
Tu B'Shevat: Everybody Eats Almond Joy
Purim: An obscure Babylonian Holliday with a big noise and a Migillah Gorilla.
Pentacost: Nothing happens!
Simchat Torah: Go and picket your local Russian Embasy
Sukkot This is a celebration of doing additions to your house. The Jewish people remember when the roof was off and there was an unexpected rainstorm in July. However this holiday is in October.
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